April 24, 2012
Yesterday, I cried. I don’t mean that tears welled up in my eyes for a moment. Rather, I sobbed, wept, wailed, moaned and groaned from the deepest place of my being, “Abba, God, I am so profoundly sad…”
It was my intention to write about “God in our Midst” from a place of hope, joy and peace but that is not where I was called to begin. It may well be the conclusion.
Yesterday, I cried. The day began with a sense of foreboding that would not diminish. I called a friend and chattered for awhile, hinting at my sadness, feeling the tears well up until I was able to laugh it off with a dose of gratitude. Still feeling a cloudy mood, I called another friend for company, a shopping excursion and lunch, desperately trying to push back the shadow in my heart. Finally, I could hold the sadness back no longer and returned home to face Grief.
In the quiet of my home, snuggling on the couch, wrapped in my velvety soft pink blanket, grasping my blue velour pillow, guarded by my two loyal dogs, I surrendered to Grief. My sobs and groans were guttural and wretched, calling out to God, naming my sorrow, feeling the cutting pain of abandonment, betrayal, rejection and loss. The death of my hopes, dreams and expectations left me empty and momentarily helpless. Though I felt Alone, I was not truly alone as God, always faithful and compassionate, held my heart, guiding me through the valley of the shadow of death.
What died for me in those moments with Grief was fear: fear of being alone, fear of the future, fear of failure, abandonment, rejection and betrayal. What was born again in me was hope; the hope of a new dream, love and faith and the assurance that at the moment of my deepest despair, God would faithfully love me back into being.
Though my eyes were swollen and red, a calm washed over me, easing the tension and relaxing my body. Grief had been replaced with peace, the peace that only God can bring us when we succumb, poor in spirit, to the God who loves us, heals us and invites us into the divine presence. With God, we can face and pass through Grief, allowing it to wash over and cleanse our wounded hearts so that healing can prevail.
The thing about Grief is that I know it will return, along with fear and sorrow, sometimes when least expected, simply because I am a human being on this earth. I also, know that grief is the pathway to healing, hope, joy and peace when accompanied by God.
Yesterday, I cried, groaned and moaned, poured it all out until the peace of God slowly filled the emptiness of my heart .
Today, I am hopeful… The Son is shining through. Amen
By your grace, may our hearts radiate your love so that we may be healed.